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i did this not as a cry for attention, but as a need to release myself of the pain and the guilt i have felt within myself since my previous Owner has suddenly disappeared without a trace.
i am still holding onto hope....but i am no longer....holding my breath.
i don't know what has happened to Him....but i needed to do this......for me. Thank to One for being a Kind Friend
lil~rinoa:
*toys gingerly with my pink tank top strap, eyes darting around the room, chewing on my lower lip, wondering what exactly i can get myself in to here in this room alone...
...aching desperately for something to get my mind off the despair that has an icey grip on my heart as my mind keeps wandering back to the past. sucking in a deep breath, feeling the tears threaten, shaking them off and forcing my mind to travel to thoughts of creativity, and not of the deep emotional pain that writhes within*
lil~rinoa:
*taking to all fours and crawling slowly over to the tool chest that i have hidden behind the long plush curtain of an antique cupboard.
pulling out carefully the pink butterfly box. running small satiny fingers over the handle, tilting my head as i look upon it with fond memories.....
....sucking in a deep breath once again and letting it out slowly in a forlorn silent sigh, bracing myself on my knees as i click the locks to open, pulling the handle apart to open the box, dark orbs gazing inside, searching for a toy to play with tonight*
lil~rinoa:
*letting timid fingers dance over the trinkets held within, licking lips slowly as i reach in and pull out a small 8 inch long leather flogger.
smiling as i examine it under the pale candle light that dwindles within the room. my heart racing in thought of the delightful lil stings that this toy can bring.
closing my eyes, beginning on bended knees, tracing the tails of the leather over soft untouched skin. letting out the softest moan as the leather traces first up the outside of my right thigh, then caressed gently over to the left outter thigh and down again.
teasing....tormenting...forcing myself to learn patience all from a single swipe over unmarked flesh*
lil~rinoa:
*as the last swipe of the flogger against my skin dances off the edge of my knee, a suddenly feeling of loss...of emptiness....fills my belly.
feeling my heart drop, hanging my head slowly as i think of all that i have lost recently, for reasons i have no understanding, left empty.....a shell of myself.
the empty submissive husk that dwells within aching to feel. having had it's taste, then suddenly ripped away from neglect, being abandoned.....left with no answers other than the closed door that refuses to budge.*
lil~rinoa:
*dark eyes flashing open after a few moments of sitting perfectly still.....no motions beforehand other than the slow intake of breath as my body drinks in the emptiness, the darkness, the loneliness around me.
dark orbs suddenly flash as my grip on the flogger's handle tightens......
no.....i refuse to be abandoned....i refuse to let it get to me...i deserve more, i am worth more, i am a well worthy woman who should hold no blame for being left without a word to wallow in my own emptiness.
whispering out into the darkness....the sound much louder than it is through these hallowed halls*
i
am
worthy
of
better
*tightening my grip once more on the flogger and raising my right hand up, staring straight ahead.....bringing the tails down with a hard lash against a taunt right thigh.
gasping out as the sting against tender flesh radiates through*
lil~rinoa:
*raising the flogger again.....lashing it down once more along my right thigh....letting it rise and fall of it's own accord again three more times, each time causing a gasp to rip from my throat.
panting softly as i feel the welts begin to rise along the pale creamy flesh, keeping perfectly still as i switch hands and move to my left.
gripping it tighter still, knowing my left hand is not my strongest, but determined all the same.....raising that left hand once more and laying into the taunt satin flesh of my left thigh...matching the number of lashes as hard as i might against my left thigh. the heat stinging through to my very soul......
......each lash.....a reminder.....of who and what i am.....and who i refuse to be........
.....an empty shell of a woman with nothing to give.....no way....will i go back to that again.....no One will ever be worth me returning to that stage....ever again......*
lil~rinoa:
*panting harder as the lashes against each thigh ring out against my skin.
keeping a grip on the flogger with my left hand.....taking my right hand and tugging the hem of my tank top up and off, nothing more than shorts left on this body.
closing my eyes and switching the flogger to the right hand once more, my strongest hand, whispering softly to myself once again before i tighten my arm and fling the tails of the tiny flogger up and over my shoulders to lick across my back.
not feeling much.....i do it again...and again.....and more still, a harder swing each time first over the left shoulder, then the right, then the left, back and forth as if the flogger is chipping away the weight of despair i carry upon my shoulders.
the tears suddenly start flowing without realizing, feeling each sting, as small as it is in this position, chisel away at the pain and anguish i have been left to feel these past 2 weeks*
lil~rinoa:
*moving the lashes faster against my skin, over the shoulders, against the thighs, all in a clockwork motion. this body depserate to feel something...anything.....aching to know it's alive and not willing to bury it again behind the walls of mistrust and pain that it threatens to crawl into.
panting hard, the tears flowing freely, each lash against tender skin ripping a sobbing cry from my throat until finally i stop.......
.....panting hard.......tossing the flogger aside, my body on fire all around me, but none burning deeper than what's bared within my soul.....
....tossing my head back, eyes closed tight, i let out a piercing scream into the room...shrill and filled with pain and anguish...screaming out to rid myself of everything that has weighed me down....that has prevented me from becoming what i truly am......
....suddenly collapsing forward, curling into a fetal position, thrown into a river of sobs as i shiver upon the floor*
Atreus:
-standing slowly and moving to a pillow, reaching down and grabbing the blanket laid over the top of it. Moving to rin and placing it over the top of her, crouching beside her but not touching her or saying a word-
lil~rinoa:
*feeling the warmth of the blanket, slowly coming back to reality of where i am, my face a mess with tears, swollen eyes and red cheeks.....eyes flashing up embarrassed and mildly ashamed......sitting up slightly and keeping my head held low, dipping lashes in silent gratitude as i am brought back down to earth*
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| Very powerful, rinoa. Thank you for sharing this.
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