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Through a series of unfortunate events, a long term friend of Mine that is not in this lifestyle found out that I am a Sadist. I knew she wouldn't understand, and I swear there was even some fear in her eyes when she asked Me how I could be a Sadist, and if it was My desire to hurt her and others. I have to admit that question stung. So I asked her, have you ever seen Me try to hurt anyone else? To which she replied, no, just the opposite, you are very involved in your sons life, you are kind to others, you go to church, you coach a little league team, you are the kind of guy that stops when they see someone stranded on the road, that is how I see you, just a nice guy and a good friend. To which I replied, I AM a nice guy. So how she asked, HOW are You a Sadist?
How do You explain that to someone not in this lifestyle, how do You even explain it to people that are, but are strictly into D/s with no S/m elements in it? How?
I don't think being a Sadist is something You just wake up one day and say, hmmm, I think I feel like hurting someone today and getting off on it. It is a long arduous journey of Self, one where You are forced to confront demons, and darkness, and the Man in the mirror. I don't want to inflict pain on anyone BUT her. But with her, it is different, with her I want to consume her to be like liquid soul and wrap Myself around her and seep into her very pores. I want to be her light, her darkness, her everything, I want to nurture her, to cause her pain, to drink her tears like that is the only thing that can sate My thirst and sustain My life. I need to hurt her as badly as she needs to be hurt, there is something very base and carnal and elemental about that. It was her, My one, that forced Me to look in the mirror one day as a Dom and say, I am more than this, I am darker, and that is ok. Until then I ran from it, shoved it down, pushed it aside, pretended it didn't exist, but a part of Me was dying. But in her, I could take that mask off, let My guard down, step over walls and release demons, and she simply embraced that and all I am and brought Me back to life. It isn't even about pain really, because to Me there is no delineation between pain and pleasure, it is the intimacy, the breathless connection, the beauty of facing each others darkness and existing there, to watch the rapture when she crosses into that dark existence with Me.
So to My one, My tiff, I say thank you for helping Me take that mask off and release those demons. And My friend, how did I answer her? I don't think I did really, I simply said, I am a Sadist to exactly one person, and she needs Me that way, it is simply Who I am, and she alone understands that and embraces it, I don't expect you to understand, I expect you to see Me as the guy you always have, just a nice average guy.... that happens to be a Sadist to one person...
You called me to walk on the edge of this world,
to spread my dreams and fly...
Sidewalk Prophets
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~tries to work through the lump in my throat and then decides just not too...tears rolling freely
maybe i am selfish because this touched me so deeply i know for so many personal reasons right now and only You know them..
...i am a sub....can i know what it is like to be a Sadist?..no...
but god i can feel One...feel You...taste it...crave it..need it....need You..
just when i needed to feel the belief.....i find it in the most base part of myself...in You....Who You are to me..in me..with me and because of me...
i love You Joshua
the Sadist, the Man, my Lover, my Very Best Friend....
maybe the best way to explain ones darkness is to simply not...because You are so right..it is within one and only for one so often...... only then the understanding becomes known...
always, just always
Your {tiff}
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~always i will be forever Your absolute~
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