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It's only been two weeks, but it feels like an eternity. I am struggling with my feelings about my father's death. On one hand I am utterly grateful that he is gone and is no longer suffering. He went peacefully...He was ready to go...however, I'm also saddened that he is not with us anymore.
Through the years my father and I have not had the greatest of relationships. We fought endlessly with extreme power struggles...one of us always had to have the last word...he could sometimes be an asshole and say the meanest of things. On the other hand, he was one of the most gentle beings and adored his family. He was caring and thoughtful...he went an extra mile to help those in need...and he gave unconditionally. He became one of my heroes through his struggle with Multiple Sclerosis, because although he was in pain and suffered for 20 years, he never complained about the actual disease. As I have grown into the woman I am now, my father and I began to forgive one another of our past dilemas. As I grew to understand his illness and why he acted the way he did, and worked through a lot of my own depression issues, I began to love and adore him more. In the end, we were rather close, but it just pisses me off that again, he had to have the last word and die in a time when we were just coming to love one another as a father and daughter should. That's very selfish of me, I know, but I can't help the way I feel.
I'm also feeling spiritual in a way I haven't felt in years, and I'm needing to search out an outlet for those feelings. I grew up in a very religious family...Episcopalian. I loved church, but I think that's because I had a ton of friends who went there, and it was more of a social experience than anything else. I was baptized and confirmed...I know there is a God, but what I believe beyond that is a bit fuzzy. I stopped going to church after I went to college and to be quite honest, I haven't been to a real service in many years, save for a few Christmas' and special holidays. I've been going to church every other Sunday at work, because the kids are supposed to go...but it's at a church that I don't like very much. I'm very picky with what I like and don't like. I cannot stand and will not tolerate the "bible bangers" who like to sit with you and make you pray or preach about sin. That really turns me off.
With all of these mixed feelings, I really do want to find something that I'm comfortable with. I want my children to be baptized, and possibly go to Sunday school. I want them to be able to choose what they believe in, rather than to be forced to go to a church that I like and demand them to go to.
With my father's passing, I found it to be a beautiful experience...the conversation he had with my mother which was utterly amazing, and that he died in his sleep exactly the way he wanted. He LOOKED healthy and free...not like a typical dead person who looks ill and orange. I was devasted when I first saw him lying in the casket, but it was because I had lost my father...someone whom I loved and whom I wanted to build more of a relationship with. NOT because he looked awful and that I thought he had suffered. He was at peace...and I know from the bottom of my heart that he is in a better place, and that he is not sick...that he is with his family and that he's having the time of his life. I know that he's watching over me, and somehow I do believe in life after death...hoping that one day I might experience his return in some way or fashion. I yearn for that, actually. I've heard so many people tell me that their loved ones have returned to let them know that they are ok. I would love to have that experience, but it hasn't happened. I do realize that he's been gone for a short time, but he must know the struggles I'm dealing with at the moment.
At one moment I'm fine. I can think about him and talk about him with a smile on my face, knowing that he's up there watching over me and that he's perfectly fine. At other moments, all I want to do is curl up on my bed and cry my fool ass off.
I need support. I just don't know where to get it. I don't even know where to start.
I hope this is normal.
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Hi alicia.
Yeah. I think it's normal. My father passed in April and yeah, the grief has dulled a little but boy do I ever miss him still.
I am the same way as you. I'll be fine for WEEKS...then something will trigger a certian memory (like my mothers answering machine which still has my fathers voice on it..gets me every freakin' time..to the point that usually I just have to hang up and can't even leave a message) Or forgetting my Dad is on a video my son wants to watch from when he was a baby and I was camcorder crazy...
My mother and all 4 of my sisters are still the same way too..Family gatherings are a joy let me tell you..
I KNOW thats not what he would want..but the rest of my family just aren't ready to sit around and tell stories about him, ect..which I know he would have wanted.
My parents were married for 56 years.
So you are very much not alone and if you need to vent or anything feel free to page me...
sometimes just having someone to talk to who has been there helps.
I was lucky in that I had my best friend, who had lost his father the same way I lost mine a year earlier..(massive heart attack).They are even both in the same cemetery (national veterns cemetery as they were both military) so its nice that we can go visit our fathers together.
He was my rock and I was his when what I went through brought it all back for him...
so I'm here for you if you need me...good luck and God bless...
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alicia
if you need to talk etc..my ears are open to you as well..im still going thru the emotions from losing mine just over a month ago...i bounce back and forth from.."no hes not gone" to "he is gone" ...i have days and nights when i break down in tears....its definately not an easy thing to deal with and it will take some time...you had mentioned about hearing how loved ones had let those they left behind know that they are ok...well i'll give you a lil story..
my parents owned their own business...it was dads baby so to speak,mom is still keeping the store open and has alot of support from repeat customers etc...anyways she had closed the store for just over a week after his death and the first day she reopened was a Saturday..my older sister,brother in law,nephew and myself were all there to help her..well the phone in the front of the store wasnt ringing yet the ones in the back were and we all knew that no one had touched any of the cords...there was no reason to..my brother in law went to try and find out what was wrong...discoverd that the phone jack was behind a cabinet that there was no way anyone could have gotten to it to unplug it but it had been unplugged *chuckles*...mom asked "think your dad is trying to play tricks on us" and we all chuckled and felt him with us all day that day...was a calming feeling yet tears flowed off and on that day...i pray every night and talk to him and am hoping he gives mom another sign that hes watching over her
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alicia,
it's perfectly normal.....i lost my mom in 1997 when I was 21. There are days I am fine and days that I'm not. Please know that no matter what happened He loved you dearly and he knew that you loved him.
Please take care and if you ever need an ear....i'm here...just send me a page.....bless you and your family.I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
He is my light, my soul, my one love now and forever.
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Alicia..
It's very normal to have mixed feelings & to experiene so many different emotions...sometimes all rapidly one after the other...You can be so very solid one minute, and go to mush the next...
While it is hard, it does get a little easier...Over time you tend to mellow...I find still after 4 years that someone can say one word that will just suddenly trigger a memory...That just goes to show how strong the bond is...throught good times & bad times...
You can get help...your Doctor will talk with you...your friends will talk with you...If necessary, there is also Counsellors to help...The main thing is that you do talk...and talk often...that will go a long way towards any lapse into depression...
I managed to see the signs of depression & seek help...and I am a lot stronger for it today...
So by no means think you are silly or weak for feeling these emotions...you are human...and a bereavement can be the most stressful thing we have to deal with in life...
You are very normal...and dont let anyone ever tell you otherwise...
4WD
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| alicia, you explain yourself so well. you're such a thoughtful and careful person. what you're describing is entirely natural, deary. i lost my brother a year ago september. page me if you want to talk. i would even call you if you thought i could help you. take good care of yourself. Morphia
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