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Is it time to break-up with my Master?
Inez2017
8/14/2017   
 
Member I am a relatively new sub. I have known for about 10ish years I lean towards being submissive but started my first submissive relationship. Neither me or my Master were specifically looking for a long-term relationship instead of play, but we have been D/s for about a year and a half.

Before we met, he was in a vanilla relationship with his girlfriend, which he is still in. I knew that going in. Every interaction we had is because she is not around. He also flirts and has sex with other people, which he tells me about and I am ok with polyamory. To complicate all this, I had to move out-of-state for a job; I was unemployed for eight months and the out-of-state job was the only one I could get. Also, he is in massive debt (more than $35,000 and he has an outstanding lien) and I added him to my cell phone plan and let him use my bank account to cash his checks. He doesn't ask for money directly any more, but has in the past-I have spent a couple thousand dollars on him. I have researched and called people on his behalf and have told him what he needs to do to start working on his debt, but as far as I can tell, he has not acted on anything I told him. He pays the minimum possible; I figure it will take him 25-30 years to pay the debt off at his current rate.

I moved away about four months ago and our relationship seems to be getting worse. I pay for all the expenses to see him (airfare+hotel+any other expense) and he can only spend 2-4 hours per weekend with me because of his girlfriend. What really hurt is the cost to see him is 50% more for three weekendsds because of summer price increases, and then he wanted to spend the next three weeks with his girlfriend. The next weekend is my birthday. He wants me to cancel with my mom who would come up and spend time with me so that I can come down and spend the majority of my birthday in airports; I sincerely doubt he would remember or do anything for my birthday-he didn't last year when I was local. He has been really distant the last three weeks, and as far as I can tell, he has been tired and just hasn't wanted to talk with me. On most days, I might get a couple of texts and maybe a 10-20 minute phone call. Lately, that is about three times a week. We having an amazing sex life and he has helped me to gain self-confidence and to loose a lot of weight. I know he cares tremendously for a lot of people and gives a lot of himself to others, including his children.

I don't know what to do. I know I want more-ultimately I want a partner, especially in a D/s context, but someone to grow a life with. I think he wants more of a fantasy, porn life. I know he is depending on my bank account to cash his checks to survive. I know I don't want to be his second/sancha/side ass forever. I know I am emotionally needy, and I need more attention and praise than what he has been giving me. I don't know if he is really into this.

I know in my heart I am submissive. At this point, I don't know if I am being a brat because I want more than what my Master is giving me or if I am in a relationship that is slowly dying.

Any and all insights and advice is very much appreciated. Thank you.
Post #1039171 Back to top ▲
8/14/2017
 
Inez2017
Member
I am a relatively new sub. I have known for about 10ish years I lean towards being submissive but started my first submissive relationship. Neither me or my Master were specifically looking for a long-term relationship instead of play, but we have been D/s for about a year and a half.

Before we met, he was in a vanilla relationship with his girlfriend, which he is still in. I knew that going in. Every interaction we had is because she is not around. He also flirts and has sex with other people, which he tells me about and I am ok with polyamory. To complicate all this, I had to move out-of-state for a job; I was unemployed for eight months and the out-of-state job was the only one I could get. Also, he is in massive debt (more than $35,000 and he has an outstanding lien) and I added him to my cell phone plan and let him use my bank account to cash his checks. He doesn't ask for money directly any more, but has in the past-I have spent a couple thousand dollars on him. I have researched and called people on his behalf and have told him what he needs to do to start working on his debt, but as far as I can tell, he has not acted on anything I told him. He pays the minimum possible; I figure it will take him 25-30 years to pay the debt off at his current rate.

I moved away about four months ago and our relationship seems to be getting worse. I pay for all the expenses to see him (airfare+hotel+any other expense) and he can only spend 2-4 hours per weekend with me because of his girlfriend. What really hurt is the cost to see him is 50% more for three weekendsds because of summer price increases, and then he wanted to spend the next three weeks with his girlfriend. The next weekend is my birthday. He wants me to cancel with my mom who would come up and spend time with me so that I can come down and spend the majority of my birthday in airports; I sincerely doubt he would remember or do anything for my birthday-he didn't last year when I was local. He has been really distant the last three weeks, and as far as I can tell, he has been tired and just hasn't wanted to talk with me. On most days, I might get a couple of texts and maybe a 10-20 minute phone call. Lately, that is about three times a week. We having an amazing sex life and he has helped me to gain self-confidence and to loose a lot of weight. I know he cares tremendously for a lot of people and gives a lot of himself to others, including his children.

I don't know what to do. I know I want more-ultimately I want a partner, especially in a D/s context, but someone to grow a life with. I think he wants more of a fantasy, porn life. I know he is depending on my bank account to cash his checks to survive. I know I don't want to be his second/sancha/side ass forever. I know I am emotionally needy, and I need more attention and praise than what he has been giving me. I don't know if he is really into this.

I know in my heart I am submissive. At this point, I don't know if I am being a brat because I want more than what my Master is giving me or if I am in a relationship that is slowly dying.

Any and all insights and advice is very much appreciated. Thank you.
Post #1039171
charmschool
8/14/2017   
 
Member
Not only is it time, but it's long overdue. This guy is a loser and he's using you. You can also consider that you're not helping him any by enabling him.

He's no Master, he's a leech. Learn a lesson, take the confidence you've gained and move on with your life. Give your generous heart and your submission to a person who appreciates it and gives something back to you. Tell this deadbeat to take a hike.
Post #1039173 Back to top ▲
8/14/2017
 
charmschool
Member
Not only is it time, but it's long overdue. This guy is a loser and he's using you. You can also consider that you're not helping him any by enabling him.

He's no Master, he's a leech. Learn a lesson, take the confidence you've gained and move on with your life. Give your generous heart and your submission to a person who appreciates it and gives something back to you. Tell this deadbeat to take a hike.
Post #1039173
~pw~
8/14/2017   
 
Member First off a Master does not make you a submissive. You are always the noun, a Master/Mistress helps with the verb.

In other words you are always a submissive, but not always submissive.

I think the question is are you and your submission being damaged?
Do you feel valued, validated and heard?
=========================
" On most days, I might get a couple of texts and maybe a 10-20 minute phone call. Lately, that is about three times a week. We having an amazing sex life and he has helped me to gain self-confidence and to loose a lot of weight. I know he cares tremendously for a lot of people and gives a lot of himself to others, including his children." He has a lot on his late and he is making a daily effort for you yes?

Of course you want to be first in his life, but is that possible? His children should be first. Soon they will be grown and his time will be limited with them as they work and start relationships of their own.

After rereading this I think the question is can you be happy with this man if you are not his absolute everything.
You need to rethink your ability with him instead of all the wrong things he is doing

Edited: 8/14/2017 by ~pw~
Post #1039174 Back to top ▲
8/14/2017
 
~pw~
Member
First off a Master does not make you a submissive. You are always the noun, a Master/Mistress helps with the verb.

In other words you are always a submissive, but not always submissive.

I think the question is are you and your submission being damaged?
Do you feel valued, validated and heard?
=========================
" On most days, I might get a couple of texts and maybe a 10-20 minute phone call. Lately, that is about three times a week. We having an amazing sex life and he has helped me to gain self-confidence and to loose a lot of weight. I know he cares tremendously for a lot of people and gives a lot of himself to others, including his children." He has a lot on his late and he is making a daily effort for you yes?

Of course you want to be first in his life, but is that possible? His children should be first. Soon they will be grown and his time will be limited with them as they work and start relationships of their own.

After rereading this I think the question is can you be happy with this man if you are not his absolute everything.
You need to rethink your ability with him instead of all the wrong things he is doing

Edited: 8/14/2017 by ~pw~
Post #1039174
~Knighthawk
8/25/2017   
 
Member I hate to be judgmental of a relationship because I am sure there are nuances and dichotomies here I can't see in a limited post, but from what you have described I have to concur with charmschool and all5, he seems to be using you. D/s is about control in the most simplest of terms and if a Dominant can't even control himself or his own life, I can't imagine how he expects to control someone else. As a submissive you deserve to be happy, fulfilled, cared for, nurtured and feel like you are a priority in his life. You need to ask yourself if you feel that way and if not, then it is time to move on and find someone that can give you that.

You also need to get him off of your bank account and cell phone before he messes up your credit as well as his. It is pretty simple to get a bank account and if he can't then he doesn't just have bad credit he has screwed over another bank. If he has screwed another bank and hasn't bothered to rectify that then what is going to keep him from screwing over your bank and leaving you in the lurch? He could wipe out your account or he could bounce a large check and leave you liable for that debt. Let his girlfriend carry him on her bank account, why should that have EVER been your responsibility? You sound like a nice caring person that has tried to help him, but he is a grown man and he needs to take responsibility and help himself and quit using you whether he is using you financially, mentally, or sexually.
Post #1039345 Back to top ▲
8/25/2017
 
~Knighthawk
Member
I hate to be judgmental of a relationship because I am sure there are nuances and dichotomies here I can't see in a limited post, but from what you have described I have to concur with charmschool and all5, he seems to be using you. D/s is about control in the most simplest of terms and if a Dominant can't even control himself or his own life, I can't imagine how he expects to control someone else. As a submissive you deserve to be happy, fulfilled, cared for, nurtured and feel like you are a priority in his life. You need to ask yourself if you feel that way and if not, then it is time to move on and find someone that can give you that.

You also need to get him off of your bank account and cell phone before he messes up your credit as well as his. It is pretty simple to get a bank account and if he can't then he doesn't just have bad credit he has screwed over another bank. If he has screwed another bank and hasn't bothered to rectify that then what is going to keep him from screwing over your bank and leaving you in the lurch? He could wipe out your account or he could bounce a large check and leave you liable for that debt. Let his girlfriend carry him on her bank account, why should that have EVER been your responsibility? You sound like a nice caring person that has tried to help him, but he is a grown man and he needs to take responsibility and help himself and quit using you whether he is using you financially, mentally, or sexually.
Post #1039345
FENREX
8/26/2017   
 
Member A final bit of blurb: As quickly as you can, Close your phone account. Close your bank account. A pain to be sure, but you will cut your liabilities from this leach in doing so. you are Not responsible for him. you are however currently liable with him with those two open accounts. He could wreck your credit and saddle you with debt and liabilities. Do not walk, Run to your bank. Follow to your phone vendor. And, just because someone uses the words Dom or Master, it does Not make them so, other than perhaps in their own minds, which is always subjective. My thoughts, not yours; JMHO.

Hugs to all 5, and the peasant lady
Post #1039361 Back to top ▲
8/26/2017
 
FENREX
Member
A final bit of blurb: As quickly as you can, Close your phone account. Close your bank account. A pain to be sure, but you will cut your liabilities from this leach in doing so. you are Not responsible for him. you are however currently liable with him with those two open accounts. He could wreck your credit and saddle you with debt and liabilities. Do not walk, Run to your bank. Follow to your phone vendor. And, just because someone uses the words Dom or Master, it does Not make them so, other than perhaps in their own minds, which is always subjective. My thoughts, not yours; JMHO.

Hugs to all 5, and the peasant lady
Post #1039361
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