My open letter....
I lay by the pool reading my book a new thriller/horror. The moment she is stood walking by her husband and he squeezes her bum and then grabs her to take her down an alley where he pushes her up against the wall and she grazes her cheek as he kisses her neck and holds her firmly. She's not frightened nor scared she's safe with this man just her wondering where this stern and commanding man had been hiding within her husband for so long. And there it is the familiar tingling the arousel to my nipples as I feel myself get wet with excitement the same feeling I felt when I was first spanked nearly 6 years ago now... how I miss it how I try and push this feeling away and fail so badly every time.
I'm aroused just writing this thinking of who could be reading it and would this letter be pleasing and arouse them too. Whether fellow submissive or a Dominant.
I carry on reading my book and my fantasies run wild, I thoroughly enjoyed my reading and tell my fiancé all about the plot to which he replays "your weird I think you get off on that kind of stuff, do you?" I didn't dare say yes he knew about my previous experiences with being a submissive and so badly wanted to try it all with me. But he didn't get it... he didn't understand that him pretending was not what i craved. I needed the man who knew what he was about and knew what he wanted, a submissive will never respect,obey or even get turned on by someone pretending and who we have had to tell what to do... kind of breaks the whole submissive dominant thing don't ya think?
I finished my book last night, I had a taste and I wanted more....
I downloaded a podcast and listened to a 30minute Dom and Sub story laying next to my fiancé with my headphones in at 6am and lost myself within it immersed my body and mind into every feeling she had. I loved that the story was from her perspective this one was absolutely for the ladies. Frustrated and horny from the Story I took myself to bathroom, i ran the shower I sat down my legs and back against the cold marble I moved my hand over my silk pyjamas leaned back and played for what must have been seconds when I came so quickly full of so much adrenaline that released to totally relax me and engulf me into pleasure. The desire had not left me, the craving still yearned I tried so hard to be normal but I wasn't deep down sexually I craved and needed one thing and that was my submissive crying out for a leader a man to take control.
Let me tell you about myself, 7 years ago I really found what I wanted sexually that's to Mr Grey (horribly cliche I know) but thats true. Another holiday read and I was hooked engrossed and so turned on! I was never a hugely sexual person in relationships complaint of headaches always vanilla and always missionary.
My curiosity was lit and I needed to know more!
I was single and on dating sites, and that's where I met him My Sir My Ryan....
He asked me first had I ever been with a dominant and my excitement was uncontrollable this was it! My chance to finally feel and experience it!
We spoke on messenger and I was so excited by him and then we swapped numbers he was from Warrington near Manchester he was 3/4 hours away. We decided to meet on a Monday evening I had no work on Tuesday. The excitement started when I asked him what to wear, I sent him some outfit choices and he chose a dress that was cream and chiffon like at the top and then into a fitted skirt. I asked about underwear to which he replied that this wasn't about that he wanted to make me feel relaxed and get to know me. But I knew what I wanted and I went out to buy my virginal white underwear I wanted to be his pure innocent girl that was beautifully perfect and virginal for him.
We agreed to meet at a hotel together. I packed a small bag and rung one of my friends as I parked up at the supermarket car park over the road, so nervous and excited I called her to let her know I was safe and had arrived she wanted to make sure I was ok.
I had a cigarette (I have quite now) tried to control my breathing re did my lip gloss sprayed some perfume and chewed some gum. I reorganised my car so that when I arrived I could Cooley step out if he was watching me I wanted to be everything he wanted me to be and more and falling out of the car was not going to happen.
I drove in stopped and rung him... "I see you" I could tell he was smiling which was good it means he was happy with what he saw. I saw him step out and step toward me him smile his confident stance I just felt so happy and elated and he made me feel safe.
He took my bag and we went to sit down in the bar. He pulled out my chair and ordered my drink he put me at ease straight away he held my hand and was soft and gentle with me.
I remember the evening when we went to bed we talked about all our fantasies, he put me into bed I watched his eyes said stripped down to my underwear he kissed me and told me I was beautiful and right there and then I had never felt so beautiful in all my life. I truly believed his words, he then went to the sofa and I asked him to stay with me please and he said I don't want you to think this is just about sex and I told him I didn't. He climbed into bed with me and held me he kissed me touched my gently and made love to me it was beautiful and tender. We then lay there and talked about our safe words yellow was getting close and red was stop.
He was rubbing my bottom and he slowly spanked me he could tell from my breathing that I was getting more and more aroused and he spanked me harder. When he spanked hard he then rubbed the same spot afterwards it was stinging and soothing it was totally mesmerising and controlling. We where gentle our first night I was a good girl and he was showing me I could let myself go and be safe with him. He did it all perfectly and I didn't want to leave.
In the week we would message all day every day and speak every night. Sometimes I was naughty... I'm an attention seeker and he knows that I want to be the centre of attention and when I'm
Not I'll throw a tantrum.
We had made some rules together I wasn't allowed to play at all without his permission and I kept my promises to him.
When I was naughty he would call me and talk me through what I was to do one night it went to far and I cut myself he went crazy as he had never asked me to do that. He told me to pinch my thigh and instead I went one more and punished myself with a razor blade. I had a history of self harm and we soon realised I was unable to self punish at his command as I had no stop... I needed him to control that so we stopped with that side of it. Instead he would tell me to remove my knickers at work or play and video it so I could prove I stopped when he said stop and he punished me through not being able to
We fantasied about living together what we would do every day together to live the way we wanted. We grew up so differently he was self made and I had always had a privelidged up bringing.
I loved begging him to let me cum on the phone he would ask me all the good things I had done and I would beg him to let me play and I wanted him to hear me every breath every squirm from his words he made me so happy and I know I made him so happy too.
I grew in confidence when we would meet. One evening we where having dinner in the hotel bar and he told me not to backchat, I couldn't help myself and questioned him "why?"
I remember he put down his knife and fork looked at me and said "pardon?"
I giggled and asked why again, he looked at me and said really? Are you going to push me?
I have him a sassy look and said yes.
To which he ushered over the waiter paid the bill and whispered over the table get yourself upstairs now.....
his eyes where different he was wired and so was I. I practically ran to the lift where he put his hand firmly on my back you are to get down on your knees the moment we enter that room do you understand me? Yes sir I replied with a lump in my throats I was nervous and excited.
The hotel door opened and I got down on my knees he lifted my chin this is how he liked our evenings to start. He then stood me up and told me to strip to my underwear and heels. I did as he said and stood in front of him, he then asked me to place my hands as I always did for him on the low table so I was bent over, palms down elbows to the edge of the table in front of the full length mirror I did as he said and waited he then told me to look st myself there I stood bent over for him and him sat behind me on the bed with his perfect view of my pert bottom and my facial expressions vulnerable and exposed. For 50 minutes I stood like that while he watched a football game and drank beer it was so exhilarating I can't tel you. I stood there like a beautiful ornament for his pleasure and I enjoyed every second being his to enjoy. Every few minutes he would come over to me and stroke my back and bottom spanking me lightly he would run his hands up and down my thighs careful not to touch me too much just enough to tease.
He had found out the hard way before how easily he makes me cum he teased me once and then touched my lips for all of a second and I came, he was dumbfounded he never made a girl cum that quick but it was his effect on me. He smirked and I was embarrassed as how quick I had cum, he reassured me it was ok and a good thing he would just have to be more careful with me and mix the pain and pleasure to make my mind work harder and not just give in.
He knew my body like the back on his hand.
He just teased me for nearly and hour and I was begging him to let me take him in my mouth, it was my favourite thing to do to take him in my hot mouth and he knew it's al I wanted and would make me work very hard to be allowed a taste.
He lifted me and threw my down on the bed where he got out his bondage tape. I loved this bit as this is where I would fight him and I mean really fight he would tie up my hands and feet and strip me naked as he grabbed me and I would fight him off, I would bite and he would slap my bottom he would grab me hard as I fought him with every part of me until I was soaked in sweat and exhausted breathing heavily and he would calm me back down. He would hold me down as he kissed every part of me and my body would melt At the touch which was exhilarating to give in to after such a hard fight he then took me on my knees and asked if I was sorry yet and wanted his cock. I begged and pleaded as he twisted my nipples he then took out his hard cock and I hungrily took it on my mouth and sucked hard and deep like a the hungry dirty girl I was and he moaned in pleasure as I suck him deep and hard and moaned against him. Sucking him turned me on so much that I could feel myself dripping down my leg. I wanted him to cum all over me my face my breasts I begged him to to cum all over his girl I wanted him I was sorry for my backchat and promised to be his good girl. He made me beg for an eternity until he said yes and came all over me I rubbed my hands in it and sucked all of my fingers he tasted amazing and it was such a privelidge to be allowed his sweet nectar that I never wiped any way or washed it off I licked every part from my own Fingers and then he would feed it to me too I loved that tender but sucking his cum from his fingers while he looked into my eyes and knew how happy and grateful I was in that moment.
These are just two moments from the most amazing 6 months of my life. We let go of eachother as I was struggling to live
Mynormal life along side this life and let's face it I could never move to Manchester and leave my whole life behind.
We still thinking of eachother I know we do as sometimes I'll get an email from kik messenger and it's him.... I'm
Always to scared to reply. He broke my trust in so many ways in the end that I can't trust him to talk to without him trying to let my other half. I wish I could... but when I found out he has created a duplicate dating profile of me with all my personal photos meant just for him being posted all over the internet, and that he was dating other woman and not just that he would send me videos of him fucking other woman and then I found out he gave me a sti, and got a woman pregnant while we where together. Not painting. a great picture so you know understand why I can't even talk to the one person who knows me and understand me me so well. It breaks my heart.
How do I cope for the rest of my life? Perhaps keep suppressing... I don't know. Writing this letter helped and now I'm
Not sure what to do with it?
Should I post it on a Internet forum?
Should I let my other half read it?
Should I keep it private?
Should I send it to Ryan?
Ps sorry about the grammar I havnt even re read this I just let it flow...