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Doms - authoritarians or authorities?
Justadream21
6/2/2017   
 
Member Today, my daughter asked to go to her friend's house. My husband said no. When my daughter asked why, he felt he didn't need to provide reasoning.

I wasnt there when it happened but I heard the muddled discussion from upstairs and the subsequent angry teen stomping upstairs.

I quickly asked the teen what happened as I headed her off at the top of the stairs, and she told me "Dad said I can't go to Hailey's and wouldnt tell me why!"

"Did you ask him?" I inquired

"Yes!"

"OK" was the only content of my reply, then I reprimanded her for her tone with him. Weather my husband was right or wrong didn't justify her disrespectful tone that I overheard.

Once she was in her room with her door closed, I quietly went downstairs and asked my husband what happened, and asked why he had told her she couldn't go to her friend's. "Why do I have to justify my decision?" He asked. I told him I just wanted to understand, that I was just curious... And tried to explain that my curiosity wasn't intended to undermine his decision or question his authority, I was just curious as to 'why'. He asked if he needed to provide an explanation, and I told him I thought that would have been nice and helpful.

Frustrated, he asked me "where would you like me to start?" I felt the lump grow in my heart, and replied "just with whatever your reasons were?'

He explained a few reasons, which I already suspected, including the time of day and her laundry not being done... Then asked me again why he has to justify his answer or provide a reason. He was angry.

I told him that providing an explanation may have helped her understand, learn, and grow. If he would have communicated his reasons she would have understood that next time she needs to ask earlier... or next time she needs to have her chores done first. I feel that any good, reasonable, intelligent and fair leader/boss/authority will base their decisions on sound reasoning and that providing those sound reasons helps subordinates to understand and grow.

From what I gathered he viewed my inquiry as challenging his authority... He said he should not have to provide JUSTIFICATION. Because he said so should be enough. If he is in a position of authority, his decisions should just be final and not be questioned. I told him I was just curious and had just asked for an EXPLANATION but that providing an explanation in no way affects the finality of his decision, nor was it intended to 'question his authority'. The two are mutually exclusive.

So there we were... Word play. Justify vs explain.

Should a dominant compassionately explain the reason behind his decisions so his submissives understand them, or is asking for an explanation disrespectful? Should we all just accept his decisions as final, and have no right to ask for reasons behind those decisions? Is a dominant synonmous with authoritarian and "because I said so" a dominants right?
Post #1038144 Back to top ▲
6/2/2017
 
Justadream21
Member
Today, my daughter asked to go to her friend's house. My husband said no. When my daughter asked why, he felt he didn't need to provide reasoning.

I wasnt there when it happened but I heard the muddled discussion from upstairs and the subsequent angry teen stomping upstairs.

I quickly asked the teen what happened as I headed her off at the top of the stairs, and she told me "Dad said I can't go to Hailey's and wouldnt tell me why!"

"Did you ask him?" I inquired

"Yes!"

"OK" was the only content of my reply, then I reprimanded her for her tone with him. Weather my husband was right or wrong didn't justify her disrespectful tone that I overheard.

Once she was in her room with her door closed, I quietly went downstairs and asked my husband what happened, and asked why he had told her she couldn't go to her friend's. "Why do I have to justify my decision?" He asked. I told him I just wanted to understand, that I was just curious... And tried to explain that my curiosity wasn't intended to undermine his decision or question his authority, I was just curious as to 'why'. He asked if he needed to provide an explanation, and I told him I thought that would have been nice and helpful.

Frustrated, he asked me "where would you like me to start?" I felt the lump grow in my heart, and replied "just with whatever your reasons were?'

He explained a few reasons, which I already suspected, including the time of day and her laundry not being done... Then asked me again why he has to justify his answer or provide a reason. He was angry.

I told him that providing an explanation may have helped her understand, learn, and grow. If he would have communicated his reasons she would have understood that next time she needs to ask earlier... or next time she needs to have her chores done first. I feel that any good, reasonable, intelligent and fair leader/boss/authority will base their decisions on sound reasoning and that providing those sound reasons helps subordinates to understand and grow.

From what I gathered he viewed my inquiry as challenging his authority... He said he should not have to provide JUSTIFICATION. Because he said so should be enough. If he is in a position of authority, his decisions should just be final and not be questioned. I told him I was just curious and had just asked for an EXPLANATION but that providing an explanation in no way affects the finality of his decision, nor was it intended to 'question his authority'. The two are mutually exclusive.

So there we were... Word play. Justify vs explain.

Should a dominant compassionately explain the reason behind his decisions so his submissives understand them, or is asking for an explanation disrespectful? Should we all just accept his decisions as final, and have no right to ask for reasons behind those decisions? Is a dominant synonmous with authoritarian and "because I said so" a dominants right?
Post #1038144
Andrea
6/3/2017   
 
Member You nailed it all5....this has nothing to do with being a dominant....
Post #1038154 Back to top ▲
6/3/2017
 
Andrea
Member
You nailed it all5....this has nothing to do with being a dominant....
Post #1038154
consensual~art
6/4/2017   
 
Member In life we play dual roles of Dominance and submission, authority is rarily Absolute, and when it is... it is rarily sane. A Father with absolute authority, with the other parent having absolutely no say, as an example, would not be a healthy relationship.

A Dominant's authority is limited to what their partner wishes to submit to them, their authority is also not always absolute either. We wouldn't discuss safe words and limits otherwise.

As said above, explainations to children are not always required, and demanding "why" is simply an opening to chalenge those reasons, but not at all comparible to a dominant in D/s, a submissive absolutely has the right to discuss the dynamics of the D/s relationship. Where as a child is not always considered as having the level of rationality or maturity to chalenge their parents authority. The comparison to Ds is far to extreme, unless you are asking about authority in general.

But as stated, the lack of rational, expereince and maturity on the part of the child is an aditional dynamic that is seperate from the discussion of authority in general.

Edited: 6/4/2017 by consensual~art
Post #1038188 Back to top ▲
6/4/2017
 
In life we play dual roles of Dominance and submission, authority is rarily Absolute, and when it is... it is rarily sane. A Father with absolute authority, with the other parent having absolutely no say, as an example, would not be a healthy relationship.

A Dominant's authority is limited to what their partner wishes to submit to them, their authority is also not always absolute either. We wouldn't discuss safe words and limits otherwise.

As said above, explainations to children are not always required, and demanding "why" is simply an opening to chalenge those reasons, but not at all comparible to a dominant in D/s, a submissive absolutely has the right to discuss the dynamics of the D/s relationship. Where as a child is not always considered as having the level of rationality or maturity to chalenge their parents authority. The comparison to Ds is far to extreme, unless you are asking about authority in general.

But as stated, the lack of rational, expereince and maturity on the part of the child is an aditional dynamic that is seperate from the discussion of authority in general.

Edited: 6/4/2017 by consensual~art
Post #1038188
~pw~
6/5/2017   
 
Member What he did was show her she is not worthy of understanding why.
it seems she was questioning for understanding and not to be defiant.
When a parents says "Because I said so" it damages the trust and relationship.
He left with anger and very little else. He should not justify. He should be compassionate and
encourage her growth, wisdom and ability to handle problem solve and understand choices made. He did none of that.

As for the Dom part. Ds is abut respect and communication. I use my Ds beliefs with child because it encourages their emotional and mental growth and health.

It has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with listening, understanding, communicating and helping them with self esteem.

If he is a Dom then he should ask him self....did he damage her self esteem and their relationship or did he foster her growth, trust, communication and understanding?
Post #1038200 Back to top ▲
6/5/2017
 
~pw~
Member
What he did was show her she is not worthy of understanding why.
it seems she was questioning for understanding and not to be defiant.
When a parents says "Because I said so" it damages the trust and relationship.
He left with anger and very little else. He should not justify. He should be compassionate and
encourage her growth, wisdom and ability to handle problem solve and understand choices made. He did none of that.

As for the Dom part. Ds is abut respect and communication. I use my Ds beliefs with child because it encourages their emotional and mental growth and health.

It has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with listening, understanding, communicating and helping them with self esteem.

If he is a Dom then he should ask him self....did he damage her self esteem and their relationship or did he foster her growth, trust, communication and understanding?
Post #1038200
Pacer
6/13/2017   
 
Member In My opinion, a good Dominant almost always explains His/Her decision in a case like this. If not in the moment, then in a reasonable time thereafter. Of course, S/He may have a specific reason for not doing so, i.e., teaching a lesson about learning to trust/obey, or dealing with a submissive's penchant for arguing in an effort to get his/her way. Absent a specific reason, how can You expect a submissive to learn, grow, blossom, and ultimately please You if s/he doesn't understand why things are the way they are? Anyway, just My opinion... Pacer
Post #1038277 Back to top ▲
6/13/2017
 
Pacer
Member
In My opinion, a good Dominant almost always explains His/Her decision in a case like this. If not in the moment, then in a reasonable time thereafter. Of course, S/He may have a specific reason for not doing so, i.e., teaching a lesson about learning to trust/obey, or dealing with a submissive's penchant for arguing in an effort to get his/her way. Absent a specific reason, how can You expect a submissive to learn, grow, blossom, and ultimately please You if s/he doesn't understand why things are the way they are? Anyway, just My opinion... Pacer
Post #1038277
~Knighthawk
6/25/2017   
 
Member He is YOUR Dominant, not your daughter's. You both have equal authority in raising her. He has absolutely no right as your Dominant to undermine or usurp your authority as a parent; you have every right to question him about parenting her. Even as his submissive, D/s is a 2-way street, it is for the mutual pleasure and benefit of both of you and that can only come with open communication whether about your relationship or your relationship with your daughter.
Post #1038480 Back to top ▲
6/25/2017
 
~Knighthawk
Member
He is YOUR Dominant, not your daughter's. You both have equal authority in raising her. He has absolutely no right as your Dominant to undermine or usurp your authority as a parent; you have every right to question him about parenting her. Even as his submissive, D/s is a 2-way street, it is for the mutual pleasure and benefit of both of you and that can only come with open communication whether about your relationship or your relationship with your daughter.
Post #1038480
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