I contemplated just posting some random article from wikipedia here and make you all read it. That would be funny but then the joke would slowly turn into something that makes you do the opposite of laugh, which is punch people right in the nads. You'll read it and then the next person you see you'll just scream "JUSTICE!" and punch them in the nads and make sure you never read it again. I didn't want that to happen because it wouldn't be cool so I decided to write something for my missing O from the heart.
What do we know about O to show how we can appreciate her at her core?
We know she likes to take out the garbage. She does it nearly every week. Anyone who does something so often has to enjoy doing it. I think, we as a community to show O how much we love her, we should all send her a piece of our garbage so she can take it out to her curb along with her own garbage and have all of our garbage in front of her house together as one garbage unit.
We also know she loves her cat that she stole. I think I'm bringing up a bad memory because it was hit by a car or ran away or something. Or maybe the original owners stole it back. Either way, she liked it a little bit and now its gone forever. Unless its still there with her.
O was the kind of person who talked to people. If someone was in the room and addressed her she would address them back in a way that showed the equal amount of interest in her as she showed in them. Her words would be legible and coherent. They would be English words from the English language. Most of them would be able to be found in a dictionary as well. She would, from time to time, insert an action that was covered by brackets. Sometimes the brackets were a hyphen or an asterisks. I don't believe O ever used a tilde for her actions.
When O talked to you it felt like her words were bring directed at you by the way she put your name in front of them. Its as if she meant them to be for you but gave others the ability to read them as well. That is, unless she sent them through a private message. This allowed her the ability to address you alone. When she did this she often did not put your name in front of what she was saying to you because it was implied.
O is a woman. She has womanly features like breasts and a vagina. Even though I haven't actually seen proof of them existing I believe her when she tells me that she has ownership of two breasts and one vagina. To maintain her vagina she uses various feminine hygiene products. I have no knowledge of her using these products so it is an assumption that she uses them. She may not. If I were pressed to guess I would have to say she probably uses Tampex. I don't know whether she is more of a tampon, pad or both type of gal. I'll have to inquire that of her the next time we converse.
When considering what type of background O grew up in we need to start off first by saying she is a woman of Caucasian descent. That means she came from Caucasia, land of white people. In Caucasia everyone used air quotes whenever they talked. Basketball hasn't been played for nye on thirty years. There only exists 3 different Housewives programs and CBS is the official television station.
What does O mean to me? O is the sun in my sky. She is the salt next to my pepper and the Lenny to my Carl. O has never given me an orgasm. O has never seen...wait...I'm not sure she may have. Anyways, forget I mentioned that. Go to the next line.
O is my friend because I call her my friend. When O laughs she makes a loud, sudden punching sound that comes from her diaphragm. The sound exits her mouth and occasionally gets assistance from her nose with a cute but not really snort. When she talks words come out of her mouth for other people to hear. O has an uncanny ability to stay alive by breathing, drinking liquids and consuming solids to help her body continue to function. She actively uses gravity to remain firmly planted on the Earth's surface. O has been to San Diego at least once.
What I appreciate about O is that she can sweep a kitchen better than anyone I have ever known. She prefers to vacuum but I know she has a deep appreciation for the lost art of sweeping. She's told me on numerous occasions that "people just don't sweep anymore and it bums me out, man." I may have paraphrased that a bit.
When O tells me she is going to do something she does it, unless she can't. If she can't she doesn't do it but she always tells me she can't do it and why. Except sometimes she doesn't tell me that either and she'll apologize for it later. I really like this about O because it shows that she knows when she can't do something and sometimes she'll find out after and tell me then because she just forgot.
Sometimes O takes a couple of months to reply to an email. Sometimes longer. Sometimes shorter. Other times she emails you and is waiting for you to reply. Sometimes upwards of 6 months will go by without communication because she is waiting for you to write something and you don't. During that time you won't know if she's sitting and waiting for you reply or if she's going on with her life as if you've died. She may have put together a small funeral for you in her backyard, or she may not have. You'll never know unless you email her back and ask her who did the eulogy. When she tells you nobody did and that she never even had a funeral because she thought you would prefer it that way and instead she just printed off your emails, burned them and spread the ashes out at sea you'll know that she really doesn't know you at all. You'll tell her that she should know better and that she should know that you would have liked a big send off. A large crowd of mourners and quasi famous people like Chuck Woolery and Vanna White flipping over the casket from your chat name to blank squares. She should have known that you would have wanted a very hot woman with a big ass to give your eulogy and to cry for you Argentina. Then she would tell you to shut up. Then you would tell her that she sounds like your wife. Then she would tell you that her tone wasn't disappointed enough to be your wife and then you'd hug her because thats what you do with your friends.
I know this isn't much to show O how much we all miss her and appreciate her and love her and want her to come back. But its enough to tell her that she has some fucked up friends that need serious psychiatric help.