It wasn’t meant to be like this; we’d talked and said it so.
We’d talked through every moonlit hour,
We’d said it all and then some more.
I’d trusted you with memories and fears and all my dreams.
I’d let you so deep inside my head that you could predict me,
You knew me inside out, but that was fine.
I felt it first the night before: the nagging doubt.
I felt the fear inside me grow as I began to pack my things.
And as the distance between us shortened, I felt it shouting in my head.
Yet still I stood there, ready to meet.
Determined and strong and all those wrong qualities,
Why do I struggle to let myself fail?
Into that room: stepping into your realm.
Feeling so out of my depth as I swam through your treacle,
Gasping to breathe, to make sense of what’s happening.
My thinking it slows and then finally it leaves me.
What do I do when no doesn’t mean no?
When the fight and the battle is still part of a war.
My lesson was learnt and I know I was wrong.
Your words echo in my head as you pinpoint my blame in this,
Battered and wounded from the inside, not out,
As I cling to what memories of before we had met.
You lie next to me in a bed that’s too small,
So I cling to the edge where my sanity lives.
The punishments don’t end; I’ve made him feel bad.
So I take everything given to me in defeat,
As I’m bare and alone and stripped of my soul.
I can’t take how he’s changed, how I no longer know him,
This demon before me, teeth at my throat;
Heart ripped from my body, fucked till it broke.